Monday, May 31, 2010

Long (Island) Weekend

I took three days to relax. I don't feel perfectly normal yet, but I feel much better, am thinking less, and liking the trend.

We spent the long weekend on Long Island, playing in the pool and on the beaches. Every time I felt a little something, I talked myself down from escalating anxiety, took four slow deep breaths, and reminded myself that relaxing actually was productive. Aside from stopping the suspect med, I wasn't sure how to wait out its exit from my system.

Both stress and too much exposure to sunlight are known to exacerbate lupus in some people. As someone who was called Snow White as a child, I've always been careful about the sun, but I became slightly obsessive about sun protection once I learned of the lupus connection. I've never noticed a connection between sun exposure and lupus activity in my body, though, but I am positive about the powerful calm I get from being in the water and at the beach. I decided it was worth it to do the weekend water baby style- just slathered in sun screen and under a hat.

Friday afternoon, I swam some easy laps in the pool, and laughed a lot. As the afternoon cooled off, I threw on running clothes and jogged very easily for half an hour, the limit I had set for myself upon starting out. It felt a bit stiff at first, but better after 20 minutes or so. It's a throw away workout of a throw away training week, but it was terrific emotionally.

Saturday was a full beach day spent running back and forth between the towel and the ice bucket of an ocean. I couldn't help myself from running down into the ocean or back out, squealing. I felt so exhilarated to be doing little sprints for fun without ankle pain in the sand. Collapsing on the warm blanket, my relief far surpassed escaping the frigid water. Lying on my back, hearing my people laughing, and breathing in the straw hat warmed in the sun over my face, I wondered where I would be now had the last decade gone differently.

Had things not lined up well for me, would I have been at the right place at the right time to make everything that makes me happy now happen? These are the people that I've realized will be here and making me happy no matter how things line up now. It's something I've never wanted to test, so I deeply appreciate the emphatic, reassuring words I've been hit over the head with.

That question also makes me feel like I have to be fine; finer tomorrow than I am today, and taking this all for granted again in a week or two from now.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Warehoused

[I wrote this on Wednesday and fortunately paused for a moment to think I should give a warning to at least my parents and boyfriend before posting it. I want to share how my life is influenced by lupus, but I also would like to refrain from simultaneously scaring inner circle people and insulting them by not communicating directly. This whole communicating about this facet of my life thing is new, and I've found that, in general, the ease with which I can speak openly about lupus is inversely related to how well I know the listener and how much I think they care.]
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I was going to follow up the previous post with one called "No More Stairs." My knees hurt after that run early in the week. I worried that I might be running too much, too fast. The problem with that theory is that it's not so much yet, really. Maybe I was just one of those people who can't run. I've spent the last couple days getting increasingly nervous that runner's knee was going to keep me from serious training, much less the marathon. I was worried that I wouldn't get to keep running as an integral part of my days, be able to start training with the team, would have to find a way to gracefully exit both the marathon and the blog, and would have to hold myself back from over-explaining how I really did try my best and did not quit quit, and how that not quitting quitting had nothing to do with lupus. (See, look at me! Lupus doesn't have to get in your way!)
 
Nerves turned into just-repressed panic last night when I felt pain on the balls of my feet and right where my fingers attach to my hands. The very early start of a lupus flare. I've had this before, once when I tried to wean myself off the medication that keeps my immune system at normal levels (as everyone with half a brain who is not an angry teenager knows, don't do this except under doctor's supervision). At that time, I was convinced it was the beginning of the rest of my life lived in a flare. It wasn't. I went back to taking a normal dose and was good as appropriately medicated new.
 
This time, I'm 90% sure I know the cause. I believe it's a reaction to a pretty non-serious medication that I haven't been on long and don't need to be taking. I should be able to discontinue it (after talking to my doc) starting tomorrow, and, (purely) intellectually, I believe I'll go back to my normal. But I have felt my heart in my chest all day and my skin feels hot from the stress.
 
Once tomorrow morning rolls around and I actively skip that pill, I know I'll feel more in control of the situation. I hope and think I should feel normal in a couple days and plan to run and play in the sunshine over the long weekend.
 
Yet another reason why raising awareness and research dollars is so important-- With more research, doctors will know more about what causes and influences lupus, and treat patients in a way that minimizes the risk of these complications.
 
For now, cross your fingers. I need to work and pretend this hasn't scared the shit out of me.
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* Update: I stopped the suspect medication. Snotty face and tears, head resting in a lap, and half a bag of chocolate chips at midnight later, I'm doing okay. Hands feel much better and the feet are almost there. Hope to report normalcy in the next day or so.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Short and Speedy

Thirty minutes is a short one for me now, short enough that I'm greeted with a "back so soon?" when I walk in the door.

10 minutes running, 10 minutes of racing up stairs, and 10 more flat minutes to finish it off. It's the coolest it's been in quite a while, but I was dripping sweat half way through the stairs.

I'm trying to build in a bit of speed and hill work, but haven't a clue what I'm doing or how to incorporate these kinds of training intelligently when a marathon is the ultimate goal. I'll have to read up on what Galloway says.

I exerted myself enough, though, that as I ran, beet red, the last few blocks to my apartment, a man on a stoop wearing a Jamaican flag hat nodded and said "good for you."

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Sugar at the End of the Tunnel

Dirt is my friend. Gravel is okay, too. Running in the road for more than half an hour is just jarring. Each strike of the asphalt reverberates up my leg and mini-slams my knees. Even my back feels the stiffness on landing; a bit like jumping off something a tad too high and hitting the ground without remembering to bend your knees at the right moment.

The bridle trail is the best dirt. There's the reservoir loop and winding, weaving in and out of the shade of the trees. The bottom half of it is usually fairly empty- probably because it doesn't lead anywhere (meaning: in, out, or to a pond or meadow). It's quiet and peaceful, and feels like it's for runners.

I like the tunnels, too, the underneaths of the foot bridges. They're darker than they seem like they should be, given the openness on each end, and cool. They smell like earth and, running through, the dampness gives me goosebumps on my arms. It should be a little creepy, but it isn't. Entering from the bright sunshine yesterday morning, sun spots blocked my ability to see the dark ground in front of me, which was almost disorienting. It's happened before in the tunnels, and I have to shift my gaze from the ground about ten feet ahead of me to the horizon. Otherwise, I misstep the way I do when I think there's one stair more than there actually is at the bottom of a flight.

Soon after the tunnel at the bottom of the bridle trail, I caught up with the man I had tried to set my pace to in the beginning. He was wearing a tshirt from a race, and as I caught up, I could finally read the sponsor's name on the back, Entenmann's. As in donuts. Chutzpah in sponsorship. Go figure.

As much as I looove Entenmann's chocolate glazed cake donuts, I stuck to something lighter. I snacked on fruit leather and Gatorade during the actual (80 minute) run because my stomach needs some practice digesting and running at the same time. So far, so good on that front. I've been able to avoid the side cramps by ingesting a bit at a time during the one minute of ten that I walk. I think the constant little stream of sugar and water keeps my energy level more stable. The fruit leather is not so easy to eat though, so I'm moving on to fruit snacks.

All in all, I felt good and rather proud of myself. That is, until an email from my father telling me he had a nice 12 (12!) mile run. Still works for me though-- discipline goes well with a side of luck, and I'll take those genes.

Friday, May 21, 2010

I'll Do (Almost) Anything for a T-Shirt

One of the things I never appreciated about living in the city is the amazing number of local races that are a piece of cake to sign up for. I officially got my marathon registration number today and paid for entrance to the race. At checkout I took them up on the option of joining New York Road Runners, mostly for the discount on running shoes. Turns out NYRR puts on tons of races, many of which sound fun and cover unintimidating distances.

Does anyone want to run one of these with me? Keep in mind that although I've bitten off a lot with this whole marathon thing, I'm sloooow and have no desire to 'race' these. I just want to get a little experience at racing events, and these look like a fun way to get my weekend runs in! Of course, I'm also hoping for some event t-shirts.

This one celebrates Japanese culture and is only four miles. They must throw in some gyoza, right? right?:
http://www.nyrr.org/races/2010/r0606x00.asp

This one's longer (a 10k), but looks like a very cool women's race. A pregnant Paula Radcliffe and Kara Goucher are the special guests (and will be running, but not racing). http://www.nyrr.org/races/2010/mini/story1.asp

Both courses go through and around the park.  Want to play with me? Please.... I'll talk your ear off and the time will fly. Promise.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Hit and Run

Some songs I listen to for the beat, for a rhythm that's almost impossible not to match with my strides. Others are just happy- think 60's classics and 80's silly pop. But a few transport me. This morning it was Paula Abdul's 'Straight Up'. In first or second grade, all the girls in my class spent our free time choreographing a dance production to our collective favorite song (this was a time when we also had a collective crush, which we decided upon after a debate in the bathroom, and a shared obsession with hair wraps). A few girls, the official singers, learned all the words, but the rest of us just piped in for the chorus, and especially the oh oh ohs.

Straight up now tell me
Do you really want to love me forever oh oh oh
Or am I caught in a hit and run
Straight up now tell me
Is it gonna be you and me together oh oh oh
Are you just having fun

Brilliant choreography. We pointed up for the 'straight up,' pointed to ourselves for the 'me,' and shook our straight pint sized hips with attitude for the belted 'oh oh oh'. I don't remember ever sharing this production with anyone not participating in it. I do remember feeling energized by it, and some exaggerated huffing and puffing as we collapsed on the carpeted classroom floor at the end.

This is when I'm happiest; when I'm active without realizing it, because I'm on my way somewhere or I'm playing or I'm thinking. It's my 20 minute walk to work each morning and evening. A little window for people watching, and time to myself or to catch up with a call to my mom. It's a bike ride on a pretty day when it's more about the food you're going to pick up on the way than getting a workout.

It's also how I feel when I'm running, get lost in a song or a thought, forget to turn off the dirt path, and end up on a second reservoir loop. Another full hour morning run :)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Giving in to (Diet) Coke Addiction

I didn't sleep well and ended up skipping the run I had planned to take this morning. The luxury of starting all of this so early is that in this pre- real training stage, I don't have to be so strict. I also don't have to feel guilty. And I don't feel guilty on mornings I don't follow through with the plan, but I feel a bit sad about the missed opportunity. I spend the day thinking about how good my legs and lungs would be feeing had I started my day with exertion and dew, and gotten the mild high that hits me suddenly at the 23 minute mark and lingers through the afternoon.

Tomorrow is something to look forward to though, and not just because it's Thursday. A friend has put together a 90 minute music mix for me, and I can't wait to run as the tracks unfold.

For today though, the trick is not to let the missed workout bother me and push me slowly off the do-everything-healthy wagon. I've stuck to the healthy eating, but in the battle of Kate versus the delicious, addictive toxins that can cause migraines, the score is Kate-0, Diet Coke-1. Cross your fingers for your stupid, weak friend.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Caaaabs (as they say in Boston)

I spent the weekend with my parents in Boston and got to run with my dad (who has run several marathons) around a beautiful resevoir yesterday. High 60s and sunny, but the wind off the water kept it from being a tad too warm. I used his GPS watch to see whether it felt to clunky. I felt like Lindsay Lohan escaping home confinement with a monitoring bracelet. I'll have to find a smaller model.

We stopped at a running store and I (read: parents) bought Sports Beans to try out as pre or during run boost. They're made by Jelly Belly and appear to be regular jelly beans, just bigger and with electrolytes and vitamins. I accidentally left them in my purse, which I took to work this morning, and have been snacking on a pack all morning.

I've also been experimenting with real food. I've been on a cooking kick and have gotten into finding new healthy recipes featuring whole grains. Since I don't eat meat and have been living soy-free for a year, filling myself with nutritious satisfying food is a challenge. Running is also a nice excuse and a good reason to explore the world of carbs.

I'm loving quinoa. My current favorite lunch/dinner/snack is a caprese quinoa salad of red quinoa (cooked and chilled), chopped fresh basil, cherry tomatoes, and little cubes or balls of fresh mozzarella. I drizzle olive oil and add salt and pepper.

Quinoa is a complete protein, a good source of magnesium (which in addition to being important for muscles and blood vessels, is good for warding off migraines), and is a great source of fiber. Plus it cooks in 15 minutes!

I also made granola last night, which turned out a little too sweet, but is very satisfying as cereal or a Greek yogurt topping. You just mix all dry ingredients together in one bowl and all wet ingredients in another. Then pour the wet over the dry, stir it up, and place on a baking sheet for an hour and ten minutes in a 300 degree oven, stirring up every 20 minutes. It becomes crispier as it cools and stores in a zip lock. I'm planning to play with the mix of things a bit, but this is a good base.

dry:
4 cups of oats
3/4 cup or each: flax meal, wheat germ
1/2 cup of each: chopped pecans, sliced almonds
one teaspoon of each: salt, cinnamon

wet:
1/4-1/3 cup canola oil
1/4 cup honey
1 1/2 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup of water

Looking forward to getting my own (smaller) GPS watch, a couple good runs this week, and more carbs than Lindsay Lohan has consumed in the last decade.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Why Treatment Isn't Good Enough

"And unfortunately, that’s how chronic disease works, at least for me. Just when I think I have conquered the emotional challenges of incurable illness, something reminds me that those challenges are never fully conquerable. "
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/11/health/11case.html

This from a NYT column I just stumbled upon as I wait for an end of the day meeting. The way Berlin writes about forgetting and remembering the weight of living with an autoimmune disease is perfect. It's why treatment is not enough.

Brain

"Feeling in touch with your body" makes me think of new agey spirituality and self esteem exercises. It's a weight loss tip in a women's magazine; one of those under-the-guise-of-health-but-we-know-you-really-just-want-to-lose-ten-pounds articles. It's a strategy, and incidentally one that I happen to think is incredibly healthy and effective.

Feeling detached from your body is also a strategy. Telling myself that I was not my body, I was not the legs that wanted to stop moving forward or the arms that hurt to reach, was how I stuck with the internal monologue 'I'm going to get through this. Somehow this has to end and I have to be fine.' There was pain and then there was me, sitting up in my brain and trying not to internalize and identify with the sensations, channeling Brain from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I have to think that staying in your head is a fairly common pain management technique. It's a strategy, and it can be effective, but I think it takes time and work after the pain to become healthy again.

Running is something that has helped me to get back the feeling of connectedness with my body. Even slowly and fairly unathletically, one cannot run without engaging an overwhelming majority of body parts. I was thinking about all of this this morning as I hit the 40 minute mark of my (one hour) run. I was feeling really loose and my muscles all felt aerated. I remember feeling this feeling every time I've ever really stuck to a serious exercise program. It's a nice reminder that our parts are all there for a reason, and that bodies were made to move, and to accomplish.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Today is World Lupus Day!

Happy World Lupus Day!?
In honor of today's designation, I'd like to answer a couple recurring questions:
"What exactly is Lupus?" and "Wait... you have Lupus?"
Q: What exactly is Lupus?

A: [From http://www.lupusny.org/lupus.php:] Systemic lupus erythematosus (S.L.E.), commonly called lupus, is a chronic autoimmune disorder that can affect virtually any organ of the body. In lupus, the body's immune system, which normally functions to protect against foreign invaders, becomes hyperactive, forming antibodies that attack normal tissues and organs, including the skin, joints, kidneys, brain, heart, lungs, and blood. Lupus is characterized by periods of illness, called flares, and periods of wellness, or remission.

Lupus is unpredictable, highly individualized, hard to live with—and sometimes fatal. To date, there is no known cause or cure. However, early detection and treatment can usually lessen the progression and severity of the debilitating disease.

Anti-inflammatory drugs, anti-malarials, and steroids (such as cortisone and others) are often used to treat lupus. Cytotoxic chemotherapies, similar to those used in the treatment of cancer, are also used to suppress the immune system in lupus patients.

Ninety percent of lupus victims are women, and the onset of the disease usually occurs between the ages of l5 and 44. Lupus is also a leading cause of kidney disease, stroke, and premature cardiovascular disease in women of childbearing age. Unfortunately, statistics predict that 5 percent of children born to lupus-diagnosed mothers will eventually develop the disease themselves.

Q: "Wait... you have lupus?"
A: Yes, and you might not have known that because I have tended to talk around the word. In my mind it's the "L" word that's only uttered when I'm cornered. Otherwise, I've either said nothing or I've made a vague reference to an overactive immune system or, if feeling wide open and sharey, I might have labeled it an autoimmune disease. (All true, by the way, but certainly lacking specificity.)
The truth is that I haven't known many people with lupus, and the few I knew of were older and in poor health (though I'm not even sure their overall conditions were entirely due to lupus). It scared me, and I didn't want it to depress me. As a teen just getting control back over my health, it wasn't an image that I wanted to remind myself of, and it certainly wasn't the way I wanted to introduce myself to the whole social world at college (or later, law school or the big bad romantic and professional world).
Lupus primarily affects women of childbearing age. Lupus patients' experience covers a wide spectrum, from debilitating to easily lived with, and one person's experience with the disease can change over time, through periods of flare ups and remission, stages of life, and improved treatment strategies. It is important to me and for me (and would have been incredible for the me of a decade ago) to see people with lupus working within their abilities to live the healthiest, and most active lives possible. I think public, athletic events are important for people with lupus, their families, friends, communities, and legislators to see. Selfishly, I'm getting excited to meet the other team members and chase some positive energy.
Time to learn from the other "L word" and be out and proud. This blog's my coming out party.
Feel free to ask any other questions, about my experience, meds, etc.... or something I can google about lupus and share with the class. As always, please share this as widely as you'd like.
I'm so grateful for the support I've gotten so far. Thank you for your pledges, your emails, and for telling me that someone other than my parents is reading!

[Coincidentally, the amount pledged broke $1,000 today!]

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Clockwise

I'm that annoying person who half the time runs against the flow of traffic, though there seems to be enough width for everyone. I do it partly because I assume switching my rotation evens me out, prevents one side from getting more stress than the other as I run park loops.

I know that reasoning holds up on a track, but I may be extending it to satisfy a touch of OCD. Plus, I enjoy reading everyone's tshirts and exchanging a smile or a look that, at least in my head, acknowledges a common understanding of the suckiness that is part two of the hill at the northwest corner of the park that's hidden behind the tricky curve by the pool. On the suckiness scale though, running that hill ranks significantly better than biking it, which rocks. It feels like one for the little guy-- or at least one for the wheel-less guy.

The 6 mile loop took me almost 80 minutes again, and I'm pretty unimpressed by my pace. I'm telling myself the right things, that it's just the time to be getting into running shape and building a bit of endurance, and that speed doesn't matter. It's just that I want to be able to feel and mark my progress. What I really need is to buy a GPS watch so that I can focus on building mileage as I weave through the little dirt trails. Or perhaps someone can buy me a chart with gold stars. Kidding..... mostly.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Stairs

45 minute run and 2 sets of 5 flights of stairs. The stairs felt pretty good, but the running is still definitely more like jogging. I'm not sure whether it's that I'm still rubbing the sleep (aka gunk) from my eyes or that I don't have enough sugar (the fruit leather is helping though, Mom), or perhaps I just need to get stronger (thus, stairs).

I really have enjoyed Jeff Galloway's book, Marathon, which my Dad had sent to my office the week I committed to this. Galloway's central point is that anyone can run a marathon, the training doesn't have to take over your life, and the key is to focus on endurance over speed and goal times and protecting yourself from injury. He's also got some hepful tips on mind games to play while running, motivation, and nutrition for training. I have no results to show for it, but if you're looking for an encouraging and unintimidating marathon guide, I highly recommend it!

Gallaway is a big proponent of walking breaks. Apparently, it's common (even among serious athletes and marathon winners) both in training and in the actual race to walk one minute out of every 6-10ish minutes of running. The switch between muscle groups helps keep the running muscles stay fresher longer. The important thing to remember is to start incorporating the walking breaks from the beginning, BEFORE you need them. As it's also supposed to help with injury avoidance, I've decided to walk one minute out of every ten on my runs. It doesn't seem to make the running much easier (though I really don't feel like I'm pushing myself with running yet or need the breaks), but the walking does feel like it's helping stretch out my legs as they warm up.

And just because I brought the camera phone today, a shot of one of my favorite stretches. Some of my favorite spots in the park are popular favorite spots, so I appreciate hitting them at such quiet times.



Tuesday, May 4, 2010

"Long" Run

Once the real training begins, there will be one long run per week, which is supposed to extend my endurance, and the rest of the week will just be maintenance. Saturday was my first longer run, which I did, like everything else so far, mainly to get accustomed to the pattern. I did the full Central Park loop (a bit over six miles), but with a few detours to accommodate the crowds from Revlon's Run/Walk for Women. Door to door was 80 minutes. The Revloners were finishing where I was starting, and we were circling in opposite directions; the makings of an entertaining run. I first passed the real athletes, crossing the finish line at enviable speeds, then on to people who looked to be in my range, then the speedwalkers, the walkers, and the kids stopping for ice cream. I think the breastfeeding woman deserves to have noted that her pace would put her somewhere between the speedwalkers and the walkers.

Both Saturday's and this morning's runs were quite warm and muggy. I see now that the alternative after-work running time is not very practical, but I'm enjoying the early morning light, air, and productivity.